Okay, Cupid.

I joined OkCupid in 2010 in an attempt to claw my way out of a deep, dark, broken-hearted depression. That seems dramatic to write now but…it wasn’t the greatest time for me. Like, in the sense that it was actually one of the worst times. I’ve continued to have some sort of presence on OKCupid for most of the past three and a half years, even though I have only been on one date that turned out to be with a really stalkery weirdo and have answered maybe 20 messages total. I’ve been trying to think of reasons why I haven’t canceled my account, why I check my messages semi-regularly and why I occasionally cruise dudes’ profiles. I guess I’m still hopeful that at least one non-psycho who shares a few of my interests and isn’t unpleasant to look at is going to find me. Or, I dunno, I’ll find them. (Though I’ve learned that things tend not to work out when I’m the pursuer.) Or, maybe, I just like reading the weird, sometimes sweet-ish, sometimes insane messages I get. And then not answering them. Because I’m a horrible, narcissistic asshole.

Here are some messages I’ve received in the recent past that I didn’t answer. If you wrote any of these…well, best of luck in your search for love (or “activity partners” or whatever you said you’re looking for in your profile)! I’m sorry I never responded. It’s just not really my thing.

OKC1

 

Too many Lol’s. Also, maybe sent by a foreign teen robot.

okc2

 

To be fair, my profile picture was of me working on my favorite jigsaw puzzle. (It’s of the six wives of Henry VIII and it’s DOPE.) But still. Your mother?

 

okc3

 

Aw. This one was kind of cute.

 

okc4

 

Do I, though?

 

okc5

 

This was from a friend in real life. I was humiliated and I think he was actually terrified that we were a 92% match.

 

okc6

 

This one was rather direct.

 

okc7

 

This one was rather indirect.

 

okc8

 

Ah.

 

okc9

 

No, thank you.

okc10

 

Ehhhhh. Not really?

 

okc11

 

I feel bad even making fun of this.

 

okc12

 

Haha, WHAT?

 

okc13

 

This guy really gets me. My intent is vague. Like, internally even. I actually don’t know what my intent is. (Also, that question is loaded in that it presumes that I even bothered to read the statement, question and quotation that preceded it. Which I didn’t until just now. So I accept his apology?)

 

okc14

 

No comment.

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